By Jerry Ghinelli
02/11/06 "ICH" -- -- With the French occupation of the US now entering its third year, in a surprising new development, the government of Jacques Chirac today approved vast new economic measures needed to adequately finance the liberation of the US, commonly referred to as Operation American Freedom.
Called the PetroEuro Transatlantic Oil Liberation Act (Petrol for short), effective immediately, all Americans must now convert their dollars into euros in order to purchase gasoline for their vehicles.
France, along with its "coalition of the willing" partner, Germany, invaded America back in 2003 in order to remove illegal American weapons, overturn the brutal repressive regime of the unelected tyrant, George W. Bush, and bring freedom and democracy to all the good people of North America.
But after three years of chaos, tens of thousand of French and German casualties, and at a staggering cost of 250 billion euros, the liberation of America has become bogged down economically, politically and militarily.
The new PetroEuro scheme will help to establish the solid economic foundation France needs to continue to fight its divinely inspired ‘War against Evil,’ said French President Jacques Chirac.
The Petrol Act will work as follows:
All Americans must convert a minimum of $100.00 into euros every time they want to buy gasoline for their cars.
Gas stations throughout the US, now referred to as petrol stations, will no longer be allowed to accept dollars—only euros. Americans are advised to maintain a reserve amount in euros to meet any unforeseen petrol demands, Chirac suggested.
Likewise, heating oil will only be sold in euros. Americans wishing to heat their homes with oil, therefore, must also convert their dollars into euros, and maintaining a euro reserve is recommended for heating oil as well, the French president advised.
Natural gas can still be purchased in dollars, but Chirac warned that this may soon be converted to the euro as is necessary to finance the ‘War against Evil.’
With this development, worldwide oil prices skyrocketed to 90 euros per barrel, creating hardship for millions but an economic windfall for France, and French oil companies.
TotalFinaElf, a major integrated oil and gas exploration corporation in France, is expected to earn a record profit of 36 billion euros from this scheme. Their stock rose dramatically on the news.
The CAC 40, France’s equivalent to the Dow and the German DAX, each rose significantly on this surprising economic development.
The ecology-minded Chirac insists the Petrol Act will also eliminate long lines and reduce gasoline shortages in America. He says those unable to afford the increase should “eat cake” and work it off by walking more and driving less.
The PetroEuro scheme will thus enable the French to print vast amounts of euros and export them to the US in exchange for hard-earned American dollars.
Critics allege this scheme permits the French to print "fiat" or some call "monopoly" money, and export “printed paper” rather than manufactured goods. Opponents charge that France is simply printing money, exporting it to America and using military intervention and intimidation to make Americans, and eventually the world, maintain the euro as the reserve currency for petroleum.
France’s manufacturing base is disappearing rapidly—as evidenced by Peugeot and Renault recently filing for bankruptcy, along with the recent insolvency of Air France—and its deficits are soaring, due not only to the costs of supporting the American invasion but also funding huge tax cuts for the wealthy. These issues, coupled with rampant corruption and mismanagement, have led analysts to suggest that the French Parliament enacted the scheme to prevent the euro from collapsing in value and thus diminishing the French standard of living.
Many critics now wonder whether the primary motive for the French invasion back in 2003 was economic, and Chirac’s claims of threats to France, and the notion of bringing democracy to the American people, were just a ruse or—as some cynics suggest—nonsense.
To those opposing the invasion, it is now becoming clearer that the primary motive of the French was to maintain the euro as the world’s reserve currency, thus ensuring the continuation of cheap, imported goods into France, as the world needs to acquire the euros necessary to buy gasoline for its cars and heating oil for its homes.
When the former US President, George W. Bush, and his Vice President, Dick Cheney—both Texas oilmen—attempted to pass a law prohibiting acceptance of euros, critics allege that French and German intelligence sources concurrently (some say conveniently) discovered massive stockpiles of illegal American nuclear, biological and chemical weapons.
Chirac claimed he had a duty to protect France from these hideous weapons, and attacked the US. In an attack termed "le shock et l’awe," French and German coalition forces easily defeated the Americans who, said Chirac, were only tough when fighting third world countries incapable even of lifting a plane off the ground.
Chirac failed to mention the brave American troops who helped defeat the Nazis and liberated France back in 1944, however.
The PetroEuro announcement was greeted with optimism by the compliant conservative French media, while liberals criticized the ignorant and apathetic French public suggesting they have no idea what either PetroEuro or reserve currency mean. The majority of French citizens, however, still agree with Chirac that invading America to remove the tyrant Bush and bringing democracy to the American people has made France more secure.
Chirac also went on to praise recent French-inspired elections in the US. The three branches of the US government have now been replaced by a new Vichy-style parliamentary system of government sympathetic to the French.
But radical Christian fundamentalist insurgents, led by their controversial firebrand cleric, Pat Robertson, have also earned some seats in the new American Parliament, to the dismay of the French.
The radical Robertson and his 700 Club have been branded a terrorist organization by the French. After all, Robertson has called for the assassination of democratically elected foreign leaders, notably Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, and some of his followers are allegedly responsible for bombing abortion clinics and murdering doctors; one was linked to the Olympic bombing in Atlanta as well.
Unhappy with Robertson’s success at the polls, France’s president, Chirac, praised the elections but criticized the results, and threatened he would not negotiate with Christian fundamentalists who attack our forces and advocate the destruction not only of France, but also of its friend and ally, the democratic, French-speaking Republic of Quebec.
Quebec represents the only true democracy in North America, Chirac reminds us.
Quebec, which seceded from Canada, receives massive military and financial aid from France, supports the occupation of America and claims the Canadian province of Ontario is dangerous.
Ontario, according to the French, is part of an Axis of Evil, along with Nova Scotia and Alberta.
He called on all North American people, except Quebec, to renounce violence, but barely mentioned the “more or less” 30,000 Americans who have been killed. Special praise was offered to the brave French forces who have sustained 2,300 dead and 16,000 wounded at the hands of the American insurgents, but Chirac refuses to attend their funerals or provide adequate facilities for their rehabilitation and long-term care when they return to France.
Neighboring Canada, which opposes the PetroEuro scheme, announced it will allow Americans to cross the 3,000-mile border and continue to buy gasoline in dollars, be it Canadian or American.
Coincidently, Canada has recently come under criticism for attempting to acquire illegal weapons as well.
Canada’s new democratically elected, outspoken conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, is critical of what he calls the French occupation of America, and warns retaliation if the French engage in military or economic reprisals against Canada.
Chirac denies that his motive for threatening Canada is economic; rather he claims that Canada is providing “safe houses” for the American terrorists who cross the border, smuggling and/or hiding weapons of mass destruction.
Chirac insists that Canada, and its new prime minister, are threats to world peace, and that Canada is secretly building illegal weapons, which threatens both the French Republic of Quebec and all people throughout the world who yearn to live free under French-style democracy.
Freedom isn’t free, he said, but sometimes we like to put it on sale.
Vive La France!
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